The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize