This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize