i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
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i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Sex in the backyard? Check.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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