I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize