The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
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People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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