I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
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Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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