Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize