i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
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I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
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The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize