My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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