i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
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I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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