I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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