your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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