My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
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There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
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I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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