Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
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She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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