Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
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I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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