my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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