She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
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Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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