so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
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Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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