she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
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you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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