Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
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It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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