We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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