Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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