I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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