i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
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MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
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Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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