I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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