I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize