there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
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But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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