Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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