my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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