My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
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The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
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So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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