when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
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knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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