I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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