I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
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we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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