so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
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He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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