Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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