Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
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Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
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There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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