i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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