i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
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I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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