Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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