I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize