I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
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The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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