why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
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I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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