If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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