At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
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before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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