im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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