Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
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She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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