Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
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we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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