having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
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