the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
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