i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize